After social media bottom dweller @paajivspunter and aspiring journalist failed to get his trend #AngryVirat off the ground, he took matters into his own hands by getting a microphone and interviewing the Virat roop of the star India batsman, the Incredible Hulk, @viratekohli about his recent outburst against a journalist. Unfazed about being labelled the angry young man of the Indian team, Virate Kohli took on the questions like a ball on his pads. Here are the excerpts of the interview:
PVP: Hello Virate, great to speak to you. First of all, congratulations on the victory against the West Indies. You have spoken of your admiration of MS recently and that you admire his calm. How will you make sure that you are your own man?
Virate: Hello PVP MC and thanks for the question. This is something that both Ravi Shastri and Anushka have told me- be your own man and not like your predecessors and that I could learn some stuff from them. Since the media complains that MS does not speak his mind in interviews and often keeps silent on many matters, I set the record straight. I invited the press to the swearing in ceremony, that is all.
PVP: How did you pick up such a colourful vocabulary? Were you talented from the start itself?
Virate: I would say I was talented right from the start and I picked up from a very young age, MC. You could say my first public performance was when I won the U 19 World cup and showed my full range of vocabulary. When I was a kid, I loved Asterix as a comic character. Later on, when teachers would ask history date questions to the entire class like when did India get independence, we would all say 1947. I would not know the answers for ancient history dates but I would join in the chorus only for the BC part (smiles mischievously). I enjoyed doing that, right from a young age and that is why my teachers called me a special character. I used to always snigger when people when people celebrated Raksha Bandhan. In my head, it was always Behen ke love day (guffaws). I remember when I got an email id, the site would always the same characters for both my user id and password. Even when I would had to use a filler word, I was my own man and used these. I will always have those childhood memories with me (smiles nostalgically).
PVP: People know you as a person who likes a challenge on the field. Were you ever invited to a trash talk face off when you were playing gully cricket?
Virate: I won every time, on an off the street. In fact, that is where I picked my game and became better with vocabulary. I owe my game and words to gully cricket. You learn so much on the street every day- new strokes, new words. The matter was only tense when I faced a challenging situation like when I had to scold my brother. I never knew what to call him.
PVP: Are you not worried that with you becoming the test captain, your image will take a beating with your Indian and IPL fans?
Virate: Not at all BC. On the contrary, reporters will have a field day with incidents like these. Yes, including aspiring ones like you. Imagine I abuse my closest competitor for my slot in the team and makes sure stays on the bench, I’m sure a whole bunch of you journos will say it is an abuse of power (chuckles after reading out the line from a sheet given to him by his PR team). My dear friend, there is nothing called as bad publicity. I have hired a PR team well versed with disaster management to manage my image. They are the ones responsible for my Miss World answer after winning the 2011 WC and they are the once who told me to jump on the Gangnam Style bandwagon and act cool in 2013 even after half the world had watched the video. You should take this down as tips- it is cool to be cool with stuff now. Just ask my predecessors Ranvir Singh and MS. Swearing is cool too. AIB and Raghu became famous due to their swearing and so will I. In fact, my PR team has a joke to AIB, something that they missed out on. I plan to use it on a rainy day sometime- I am the only guy who got lucky on the basis of having dandruff (chuckles after reading out the line from a sheet given to him by his PR team). Yes, you can @#$^&* print that. Makes me cool, right? (I nod, taking down notes). My IPL team? Well… I’m waiting for the day some Srilankan or a Telugu person with the initials MCBC plays under me at RCB. That will be fun!
PVP: What do you do in your spare time Virat?
Virate: Anuskha. Sorry, that was a I’m cool with you teasing me joke for the next AIB roast (chuckles after reading out the line from a sheet of paper given to him by his PR team). I like following Rage comics now. I feel the last slide speaks my mind, every time. I’m also finding new ways to be cool and check for more sponsorship opportunities. I also like watching football- Me and MS are good footballers.
PVP: Football! I never figured you were a football fan.
Virate: BC, I started following EPL teams from 2004 and became a Chelsea fan when they had Malouda and Makelele in their team. It was great fun to play football in school when I would call my football team mates as Malouda, Terry Makelele! I got to meet Drogba and Torres for an ad shoot. That was a memorable time and they too enjoyed the joke with me and shared some John Terry jokes with me as well. We had a great laugh and now I use the same on Murali Vijay and claim that they are my jokes.
PVP: Thank you very much for your words Virate. Any words for your fans? Any words for BCCI following the gag order
Virate: Guys, support the team with #WontGiveItBack. Support me with #WillGiveItBack. Please don’t worry BCCI. From now on, I’m on Maun Wrath. Thank you (bites his tongue after he almost adds a filler word).
Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter and @viratekohli. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt. All the best Virat Kohli!