Exclusive with the MCC Chairman: Fallout after the all out debacle against Bangladesh

Note: No questions were taken on the subject of he who shall not be named.

Kevin Pietersen

Image source: 1

The one who shall not be named could not hide his delight post England's elimination. Image source: 1

The one who shall not be named could not hide his delight post England’s elimination. Image source: 2

Ashutosh Gowariker was busy taking notes for a 7 hour sequel Kheley hum jee jaan sey-2 while the “What do you call an Englishman at the World cup? A tourist” joke was scheduled for the umpteenth rerun after Bangladesh defeated England earlier this week. This wasn’t the first time England were criticized before facing off against Afghanistan. Aspiring journalist @paajivspunter interviewed the MCC chairman Sir Jerry Attrick after the latest English debacle.

England's expression on looking at the wrong math question paper. Image source: 1

England’s expression on looking at the complex mathematics needed to win the match. Image source: 3

PVP: Hello sir Jerry Attrick (looks unperturbed with his stiff upper lip) do you want to comment on the latest set of events?

SJA: Mr. Punter, back at Blightly we have a saying “Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat” (I google the posh phrase to find the meaning- Always in sh%t but the level varies). Life goes on, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, from series to subcontinental series. Remember, “Quid quid latinae dictum set, altrum sonar” (I later find the meaning to be “Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound”).

PVP: Some people say that people of other nationalities are bringing down the quality of the English team. Do you think this is true?

SJA: No other team has our diversity. Why, we can have a Barbadian, an Englishman and an Irishman getting drunk together in a bar after the Bangladesh match and this matter is far bigger than a joke due to our holistic inclusive policy. We welcome people from all walks of life like Butcher, Cook & Butler and also other species like Sidebottom. We wanted a person by the name Mr. Cricket, but our old enemies Australia beat us to him. Other teams are jealous of our culture of the best work-life balance. The minnow teams would not get invited to all events; the bigger teams have too much work. We are also very proud of our WAG tradition and they would be chuffed at the prospect of spending quality time with their loved ones. In today’s world, time off from the game is of utmost importance to us and a tradition that the IPL ignores.

PVP: How come England reached the final at the Champions trophy 2013? Is it a failure of your strategy?

SJA: (Visibly agitated) How did Agarkar score a century at Lord’s….

PVP: (Hastily changing the subject) Any positives from the World cup? Is Peter Moores still the coach?

SJA: I think we’ve made it pretty clear that we don’t need that uncredited extra from Braveheart, Matt Prior. That is a big plus. Our hotel rooms and airline tickets were refundable bookings. Also, I was speaking to Gary Linekar the other day and he was delighted that we did not go out on penalties. Lastly, we’re working on a book deal about the England world cup story authored by Salman Rushdie to offset the financial costs. It is titled Moores’ last sigh (winks).

PVP: What about the sponsors?

SJA: We have 3 waiting in the wings to put their tag line on our shirt right now. The Marylebone Clown Company put their hand up as they too call their employees a laughing stock. The Mattel dolls division with “Nothing present down under” was under careful consideration yesterday. The favourite right now has to be our previous sponsor, Brit Insurance, who have extensive experience in covering disasters.

PVP: What will be the team’s legacy?

SJA: We are the generation that exited before the climax of a shorter format tournament. The Sun has given us a team motto “Coitus Interruptus” which is an apt legacy. Good night!

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.


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