Exclusive with the former PCB chairman: Life after Pakistan’s exit

Rameez Raja, the traffic stopper being photographed with an item of clothing with an extremely large barcode. If the Zebra has stripes to camouflage, this one defeats the very purpose. Image source: 1

Before: Rameez Raja, the traffic stopper being photographed with an item of clothing with an extremely large barcode, in happier times. If the Zebra has developed stripes to camouflage, this one defeats the very purpose. Image source: 1

Rameez-Raja

After: Rameez Raja looking disappointed post Pakistan’s exit. Image source: 2

While Lala and Misbah were preparing for their respective retirement speeches after the quarterfinal exit of Pakistan in the World cup, aspiring journalist paajivspunter caught up with one particular sobbing, irate, disconsolate fan who was banging the table in the media box. Paajivspunter initially heard faint sniffles in the background which then developed into full blown tears. He rushed to the spot and put a hand over the shoulder when Rameez Raja turned around, embraced him and sobbed. Here are the excerpts of the interview:

PVP: Rameez bhai, what happened? Aap theek hain?

RR: I can’t take it any more yaar! How long will I keep telling people the stories of the 1992 World cup when we won? In all these years that I’ve been the Captain of the Pakistani cricket team, the chairman of the PCB and Ravi Shastri’s counterpart, I’ve never seen a worse team from Pakistan. Boo hoo… (uncontrollable sobbing)

PVP: It is not that bad Rameez bhai. Wahab Riaz bowled a great spell, Misbah scored the runs. There are surely many positives!

RR: Don’t patronize me (points a finger)! Misbah’s batting is so boring, even with a highlights package yaar. He’s almost as old as me. How can he be in the team and not me? I was the hero of two world cups! Did you see what cricinfo did? They wrote a piece which said Ahmed Shehzad is like me! I’ve not faced a bigger insult in my life! What will they say next? They are going to attack my last refuge, my commentary, next. I know it!

PVP: Rameez bhai, I always thought that you were so cheerful about Pakistani cricket- the eternal optimist. Why the sudden change of heart?

RR: If Afridi can have a change of heart, why can’t I? Thak gaya hoon yaar. I’m not ready to face Pakistani failure. That is why I keep talking it up in the hope that one day my hyperbolic words will come true. For example, I feel I should tell everybody that Wahab Riaz must be the next Pakistani captain but what will happen when all the fast bowlers return? I can’t take one more heartbreak. This is causing too much stress yaar. It used to be simpler when I was playing. Javed Miandad used to be our Dhoni.We were a great side then and we used to laugh at India’s incompetence. Now… (shakes his head wistfully)

PVP: There seemed to be a contradiction in the batting. Many people were not scoring boundaries. Afridi on the other hand wanted to score only in boundaries. Do you think that led to Pakistan’s downfall?

RR: The last time Pakistan were dangerous outside the boundary was in 2008 yaar. And the last time something globular posed a threat to the spectators was when someone called Inzi aloo! Don’t even get me started on Afridi- he has a movie on him now! What has he done apart from lying on his birth certificate and giving an X rated pose every time he takes a wicket?

PVP: Sambhalke bhai… else someone will call you disgruntled for ranting like Shoaib Akthar..

RR: That Shoaib is also useless yaar. It is not the first time that he has spread something bad down under. I blame him for all the negativity…

PVP: (changing the topic) What are you looking forward to bhai?

RR: The IPL (consoling himself). No Pakistani player there to disappoint. I had so many revolutionary plans for the IPL. I wanted to get Afridi a contract with18 again (sighs), you know! I’m working on my acting skills also. I’m hoping to play Misbah in MS Dhoni- the untold story. I thought if Aftab Shivdasani can get a chance to act, then I can as well. At least in this case they don’t need to dub for Misbah’s press conferences (chuckles)!

PVP: So on that note, that’s it from here in Adelaide. Looks like Rameez too is asking for a Mauka! (with the Mauka pose, he does an impression of a journalist trying to be clever with the “in” crowd)

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.

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