According to latest developments, Hardik Patel is due to make his latest demands on behalf of the Patel community to the BCCI in a take it or take it offer. The firebrand leader of the fafda loving community has laid an ultimatum to the BCCI selection committee after Axar Patel’s stupendous show in Wayanad against South Africa A. Social media bottom rung journalist paajivspunter has the scoop in his “hot off the press” exclusive:
PVP: Jai Shri Krishna Hardik bhai! What is the main issue you are concerned about?
HP: Jai Shri Krishna! The main issue is that we have always been discriminated and never given our due in this land. We have been grossly misrepresented in jokes against our community. The sardars have amassed all the best jokes for themselves leaving us with crumbs such as snakes and coke! Now Russell Peters has spoiled my name as well.
PVP: You feel that your community does not get any support?
HP: Of course, look at how many Patels have represented India? They never gave Brijesh, Jasu or Munaf a proper chance. You will see that Patels have played the game with distinction in New Zealand, England and Kenya. Why not in India? (Gets angrier) Our crouching tiger hidden dragon Parthiv even sledged the baap of mental disintegration Steve Waugh. They should have given him a bravery award for opening and putting India in the driver’s seat many times when he did not even have a driver’s license. Instead, they give his spot to some Bihari. So typical!
PVP: But why are you taking matters into your own hands?
HP: (Growls) Why not? Omar Abdullah backs Rasool, why can’t I do it for my people? But then there are other chief ministers who have given our community a bad name (Sighs).
PVP: Now you want a spot for Axar Patel?
HP: What more must the boy do? You tell me….they said he had no x- factor, he changed the spelling of his name. I thought media will concentrate on him as he has changed his name like several Bollywood stars. Instead those idiots talk about how Irfan has never played for Gujarat in Modi’s time and now does not play for India.
PVP: What is your stance on reservation?
HP: When it comes to ticket booking on IRCTC, I am anti-reservation. We don’t get a berth and people without tickets occupy our rightful place. Why reserve in the first place? Also, don’t forget that a fellow Gujarati was thrown out of a first class compartment in South Africa, in spite of having a ticket. Axar has surely avenged that humiliation and discrimination today. The only way to honour him is to make him captain of our team.
PVP: What is your dream for the future?
HP: I want adequate representation. Proper jokes on my community, a Star Sports IPL ad for my community instead of “Kanna keep calm” aimed at pleasing Srini maama. The real victory will come when Ravi Shastri will say “Kem cho” at every cricket ground like Barack Obama. I have this dream where one day, there will be many Patels in the Indian team. Don’t forget, a Patel boy has scored more maidens to his credit in this match than any Gujju boy with a US passport- this will make an impact (Beams with pride). If you want to see more than these many maidens in one place, you have to go to a Dandiya Raas only!
Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The image used is not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.