Exclusive with Ravi Shastri: Exit interview with the Indian team director after the World Cup

Slip between the cup and the lip: Ravi Shastri chilling out poolside after landing in India. Image source: 1

Slip between the cup and the lip: Ravi Shastri chilling out poolside after landing in India post the semifinal loss. Image source: 1

A couple of days after the Indian team landed, aspiring journalist and social media bottom dweller paajivspunter caught up with BCCI evangelist Ravi Shastri post the World cup final, chilling next to a pool in a hotel. Shastri was keeping a low profile, counting his last days as team director and was eagerly looking forward to his next assignments. Here are the excerpts of the interview:

PVP: Hello Ravi, you must be satisfied with India’s performance in the World cup. Tell me, was there any need for those football training drills especially after so many injuries?

RS: I’m pleased with our performance. We did well. The team benefitted from the drills- all of them were seeing the ball like a football by the time the cup ended.

PVP: What were your specific preparations going into Australia this time?

RS: We were prepared to get citizenship. Virat sent his application in 2012 itself and even spoke their language. In fact, he even participated in the voting process but was disappointed that he could not get inked like the Bachchans.

Up goes the finger: This was unfortunately referred upstairs. Image source: 2

Up goes the finger: This was unfortunately referred upstairs. Image source: 2

Fastest finger first: The happy family expressing delight after casting their vote. Image source: 3

Fastest finger first: The happy family expressing delight after casting their vote. Image source: 3

PVP: There are murmurs about you not supporting M S Dhoni  in the test series and now Dhoni is not sure about 2019. Do you think Virat is ready for the full time job?

RS: (Sternly) Listen, I’ve been long enough in Indian cricket- right from when Sehwag was hair apparent to when Virat is heir apparent. You’re not going to draw a controversial remark from me.

PVP: Many people criticized Jadeja’s and Binny’s selections. Do you think that the selectors should have done a better job?

RS: Look, if there was a single player who reminds me of myself, it has to be Jadeja. Apart from our names, if you were to glance through my wiki page, you will see that his style of play is exactly like mine. Plus, he looks like a player who is at ease at all batting positions from 1 to 10, just like me. As far as Bangalore boy Binny is concerned, he must have felt like an Infosys employee- on the bench all the time. This is my payback for being kept out of the 1983 final, Roger that.

PVP: What do you have to say on the conflict of interest controversy?

RS: (Growls) Srini maama has worn more hats than Ravana, the divine ponytail is a management guru, economist and film producer. Why should people only point at me? All I have to say is, mine your own business!

PVP: You seem to be well versed with the ways of the internet. What do you have to say about all the jokes about your commentary?

RS: Well, opinions are liked noses. Everyone has one but you should pick the right one! I too can rattle off things that have happened- like how Sachin forgot the lines of his first ad shoot and said “First, the ball was not coming on to the bat, but I decided to hang in there (shrugs) and play my shots”- but I won’t.

PVP: Do you refer to your own family when you say “Just what the doctor ordered”?

RS: No actually, it is based on what Dr. Vijay Mallya orders to drink after one of his disasters.

PVP: Like Kingfisher airlines?

RS: No, like Sid Mallya (laughs while taking in a sip of KF)!

PVP: Any future business interests?

RS: I’m readying myself for the IPL. I’ve missed being in the commentary box and I’m done with thinking out of the box for the Indian team. Right now, I’m going to collaborate with MIT and Slate in bringing out a Ravi Shastri commentary generator bot for every match possible, including the old ones with no commentary.

PVP: What do you think is your biggest legacy?

RS: People remember me for making Shastri a household name, much before Mukesh Khanna’s time, although he was a better spinner. Till then, it was the usual Kapoor, Khurana and Singhania nexus on entertainment networks.

PVP: Last question- looking back, what was missing from India’s World cup campaign? And which moment gave you the most satisfaction?

RS: We missed the architect of the 2007 T20 World cup, Joginder Sharma. He’s a top, top player with a first class record better than Dale Steyn. My moment of the World cup was when we conned Ian Chappell into saying that Rohit Sharma was like Mark Waugh, after his century against Bangladesh.

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.

Exclusive with A B de Villiers: South Africa indicate interest to move their home stadium to the VCA Stadium (Nagpur) after World cup semifinal loss

Rain rain go away: A B de Villiers looks a disappointed man after losing the semifinal match against New Zealand.  Image source: 1

Rain rain go away: A B de Villiers looks a disappointed man after losing the semifinal match against New Zealand. Image source: 1

After the heartbreaking loss to New Zealand 48 hours earlier, Cricket South Africa has swiftly moved to contact the BCCI to relocate their future matches to Nagpur. Many major developments are expected in the coming days. Aspiring journalist paajivspunter caught the South African captain, A B de Villiers, on his way back. Here are the excerpts of the exclusive interview.

PVP: Hello AB, hard luck at the World Cup- It was a great tournament for you personally but the team cho.. (rapidly corrects self) did not reach expected heights?

ABD: It was a great game yesterday and New Zealand were the better team. I have no qualms that we lost to them. This time, we didn’t choke.

PVP: Are you happy that you got rid of the chokers’ tag this time? I heard you guys spoke to Mike Horn and I was favouring you to win the tournament looking at his track record.

ABD: We did everything we could do to win this time. We don’t want to toot our own Horn, but we listened to him intently. We got a bad performance out of the way against Pakistan so that we don’t peak early. We even went to the extent of dropping Wayne Parnell based on an old interview about his idols! Looking at his match performance, we were worried he was taking his admiration too far.  Alas, all this didn’t work out finally…

PVP: What is your next move AB? What does the future hold in store for your team?

ABD: We’re very irritated with the rain, obviously. We’ve decided that from now on, we are going to play all our matches at Vidharbha where dry cleaning is the rage. We were also considering Gujarat since it is a dry state but Vidharbha is a better bet. We won our match against India in 2011 there. What does not work for an Indian farmer will surely work for us. Plus, Imran is bowling well and he’ll be looking forward to a dustbowl!

PVP: Do you think the BCCI will agree considering the Haroon Lorgat history?

ABD: We have a special bond with BCCI- I’m sure we can work things out. India played us first during our readmission. If we could host the IPL at South Africa, Nagpur can definitely host us. Plus, the ground not been utilized since a couple of years and it makes sense that we move over there.

PVP: Do you think moving to India will be a natural fit?

ABD: Of course. Hashim does not have to advertise liquor there but he can endorse music CDs instead. Plus, think of the PR win-win if Amla plays for an IPL team and is the face of an Ayurvedic product like hair oil or Chyawanprash– both the Government and the media will be happy at the outcome!

PVP: That you AB for this exclusive and I wonder where you get such out of the box ideas both on and off the ground. Good night!

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.

Exclusive with the former PCB chairman: Life after Pakistan’s exit

Rameez Raja, the traffic stopper being photographed with an item of clothing with an extremely large barcode. If the Zebra has stripes to camouflage, this one defeats the very purpose. Image source: 1

Before: Rameez Raja, the traffic stopper being photographed with an item of clothing with an extremely large barcode, in happier times. If the Zebra has developed stripes to camouflage, this one defeats the very purpose. Image source: 1

Rameez-Raja

After: Rameez Raja looking disappointed post Pakistan’s exit. Image source: 2

While Lala and Misbah were preparing for their respective retirement speeches after the quarterfinal exit of Pakistan in the World cup, aspiring journalist paajivspunter caught up with one particular sobbing, irate, disconsolate fan who was banging the table in the media box. Paajivspunter initially heard faint sniffles in the background which then developed into full blown tears. He rushed to the spot and put a hand over the shoulder when Rameez Raja turned around, embraced him and sobbed. Here are the excerpts of the interview:

PVP: Rameez bhai, what happened? Aap theek hain?

RR: I can’t take it any more yaar! How long will I keep telling people the stories of the 1992 World cup when we won? In all these years that I’ve been the Captain of the Pakistani cricket team, the chairman of the PCB and Ravi Shastri’s counterpart, I’ve never seen a worse team from Pakistan. Boo hoo… (uncontrollable sobbing)

PVP: It is not that bad Rameez bhai. Wahab Riaz bowled a great spell, Misbah scored the runs. There are surely many positives!

RR: Don’t patronize me (points a finger)! Misbah’s batting is so boring, even with a highlights package yaar. He’s almost as old as me. How can he be in the team and not me? I was the hero of two world cups! Did you see what cricinfo did? They wrote a piece which said Ahmed Shehzad is like me! I’ve not faced a bigger insult in my life! What will they say next? They are going to attack my last refuge, my commentary, next. I know it!

PVP: Rameez bhai, I always thought that you were so cheerful about Pakistani cricket- the eternal optimist. Why the sudden change of heart?

RR: If Afridi can have a change of heart, why can’t I? Thak gaya hoon yaar. I’m not ready to face Pakistani failure. That is why I keep talking it up in the hope that one day my hyperbolic words will come true. For example, I feel I should tell everybody that Wahab Riaz must be the next Pakistani captain but what will happen when all the fast bowlers return? I can’t take one more heartbreak. This is causing too much stress yaar. It used to be simpler when I was playing. Javed Miandad used to be our Dhoni.We were a great side then and we used to laugh at India’s incompetence. Now… (shakes his head wistfully)

PVP: There seemed to be a contradiction in the batting. Many people were not scoring boundaries. Afridi on the other hand wanted to score only in boundaries. Do you think that led to Pakistan’s downfall?

RR: The last time Pakistan were dangerous outside the boundary was in 2008 yaar. And the last time something globular posed a threat to the spectators was when someone called Inzi aloo! Don’t even get me started on Afridi- he has a movie on him now! What has he done apart from lying on his birth certificate and giving an X rated pose every time he takes a wicket?

PVP: Sambhalke bhai… else someone will call you disgruntled for ranting like Shoaib Akthar..

RR: That Shoaib is also useless yaar. It is not the first time that he has spread something bad down under. I blame him for all the negativity…

PVP: (changing the topic) What are you looking forward to bhai?

RR: The IPL (consoling himself). No Pakistani player there to disappoint. I had so many revolutionary plans for the IPL. I wanted to get Afridi a contract with18 again (sighs), you know! I’m working on my acting skills also. I’m hoping to play Misbah in MS Dhoni- the untold story. I thought if Aftab Shivdasani can get a chance to act, then I can as well. At least in this case they don’t need to dub for Misbah’s press conferences (chuckles)!

PVP: So on that note, that’s it from here in Adelaide. Looks like Rameez too is asking for a Mauka! (with the Mauka pose, he does an impression of a journalist trying to be clever with the “in” crowd)

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.

Old boys’ club

In academia, (I chose this for the reason that it was my previous stomping ground in my previous avatar as a grad student) there is nothing more pervasive than the influence of an old boys club. By this, I don’t mean to suggest that other fields are certainly immune to it. One glance at the supplementary information of a newspaper (my previous occupational hazard creeping into my post-academic afterlife- supplementary information is an additional section appended at the end of a technical paper which provides additional details), talk shows and news rags would yield how inward looking the film fraternity/ Bollywood society/ cult is to an outsider. The primary underlying subtext in all examples is that everyone seems to know everyone from a very long time and this is a necessity in order to be first in line when the opportunity comes knocking. I understand it is foolish to expect everyone to have an ascetic’s solitary existence whilst in the pursuit of excellence in a chosen field, especially in today’s connected world. But an old boys’ network marries exclusivity with collective narcissism like a trigger happy marriage officiant at Las Vegas. Be a part of the network, a whole new world of opportunity, perks and privileges open out to you; be apart from the network, spend eons in wondering what it would take to get a seat at the table- leave alone dine at it. One needs to be a part of the network to get any chance is a vicious circle/ self- fulfilling prophecy in itself.

A condescending NYT cartoon replete with conventional western stereotypes about the occasion of India's entry into the exclusive space club. Image source: 1

A condescending NYT cartoon replete with conventional western stereotypes on the occasion of India’s entry into the exclusive space club. Image source: 1

I often wonder if initiation to every sport involves the same amount of difficulty. Since I’m fond of comparing cricket with football, with my own personal experience I can say that I’ve found that people get initiated into the game of football far more easily compared to cricket. The entry barrier is far lower. I don’t mean to belittle the game of football by calling it less complex- the gameplay, a resounding yes; the offside law, not so much. In addition to the lower entry barrier, almost everyone is guaranteed a touch or activity close to their zone once in a while (even in the presence of ball hungry teammates) due to the fluid nature of the game. On the other hand, in cricket, one usually proceeds to field for an inordinate length of time before one can contribute with the bat or ball in a manner of any significance (in terms of representation for a team especially when you don’t have a reputation for being a good player to start off with), even in an amateur game of cricket (of course, the dynamics are quite different when one owns the cricketing equipment being used in the game). Even the skill set needed to keep the game ticking is largely based on individual skill, thus hampering the entry contributions of a greenhorn. In short, the game of cricket is far less welcoming to a newcomer compared to football.

The first trophy of preeminence in the cricket world, the Ashes. Image source: 2

The first trophy of preeminence in the cricket world, the Ashes. Image source: 2

If international cricket has taught us anything about this, it is that this behaviour of exclusivity has manifested itself in many ways, effectively stymieing the entry of a new country into elite level sport- may it be granting test status or by proposing to cull the associates for the next world cup. Take for instance the first trophy of preeminence in the game of cricket- The Ashes (The world cup was almost an afterthought). It is so inward looking that no other country apart from these 2 from the first world could compete for it. It is another matter that the edge has been taken off recently due to a lot of non- contests and the emergence of the other countries. The Ashes, in a way, is a relic from the time of zenith of the English empire- where it had to fight itself for supremacy- and was the greatest contest at the time. Other countries faced the condescending ignominy of a patronizing MCC side and some times, even faced off against a second string English team (that until recently Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s pedigree was always questioned at the highest level based on his performances against English teams is a fine example of this attitude. Very often, sport serves as a proxy for other events- matches & rivalries are often coloured with a social hue- this is best illustrated in the Hand of God and in a famous Tour de France rivalry). The celebrated English cricketers would not travel if a guaranteed purse was not given. Even today, the English and the Aussies do not travel to other countries during their home season. The Boxing day test at Melbourne, the New year test at Sydney and the traditional international set of summer home fixtures at various English grounds are sacrosanct and non- negotiable. Why, only recently has India been thinking of a home season in spite of all its might. In these times where the original form of cricket faces an existential crisis, the test club has swelled; albeit, in the manner of an endangered panda colony. It was only recently that England and India played the first 5 test series since the time of Aesop’s fables, a feat accorded only to the West Indies in their pomp and Australia for guess what? The Ashes (There were six test series too!). It is a problem when the highest form of the game is played only by 10 nations. That too, in a non- standardized competition format rife with recent whitewashes in home tests. Is there any meaning or relevance to ranking hierarchy with such lopsided statistics? The world events have also been similarly condescending. An odd event (World T20 series) once in 2 years does not satiate the hunger of someone yearning to be a part of the system. If cricket has to survive and thrive, it needs to have the expansionist but inclusivistic mindset, unlike the spiritual forebearer of the game- the English empire.

Rod Laver, one of the all time Tennis greats turned Pro in 1963, a year after winning the Grand Slam in 1962 as an amateur. Post 1968, all the grand slams in tennis were open to professionals as well. Rod Laver remains the only person to complete the Grand slam in both the amateur and professional spheres. Image source: 3

Rod Laver, one of the all time Tennis greats turned Pro in 1963, a year after winning the Grand Slam in 1962 as an amateur. Post 1968, all the grand slams in tennis were open to professionals as well. Rod Laver remains the only person to complete the Grand slam in both the amateur and professional spheres. Image source: 3

An inquiry into how deep this malaise runs has to be through a thorough examination of the origins of organized sport. Post the industrial revolution, due to the increased standards of living, patrons and time of leisure, industrial Britain was one of the places (along with America) where a large number of sports were invented and organized. All organized sports have amateur beginnings since they require consensus building on how to spend leisurely time and engage it in sports via rules involving competition and cooperation. How could the word amateur, once associated with noble beginnings, come to be denoted with something slipshod and second rate? It wasn’t always like this. The etymology of the word lies in the Latin amare, which means “to love”. It was more respectable to be an amateur a century ago- you could take part in the greatest sporting events like the Olympics, tennis grand slams and other sport where professionals were banned. That you did not have any monetary gain from partaking in a sport was a sign of pride and a badge of honour & commitment. Since the gentry did not have to worry about financial obligations, it was no surprise that the first participants of the sport were from the upper social class. In fact, the amateurs resisted the entry of the professionals into organized sport and looked down upon the people who played the sport with the intention of making a living from it. One cannot be faulted at mistaking the virtues of a Corinthian from the spirit of cricket today. This holier than thou feeling is not limited to cricket alone. The “Back in our day” appeal to nostalgia is an oft used tool to celebrate salad days with insane levels of passion and commitment to a cause in scientific research and art (theatre, music etc.) as well, often with great personal sacrifice and above financial reward & sustenance. Accepting a job offer/ getting into commercial cinema is something akin to blasphemy or selling one’s soul.

A young Andre Agassi did not enjoy playing tennis en route to his world beating days. Image source: 4

Andre Agassi did not enjoy playing tennis, something that he harbored from his younger days. Image source: 4

What is the antithesis of this? It has to be the professional- the other side of the coin. Once used derisively to describe someone who does a job due to compulsion rather than by choice, today, the word is used to describe something that is of a high standard or someone who is an expert with specialized education/ training. Ever wonder why the salary at a job is termed as compensation? In today’s world where football players move not for the love of the club, where countless of Indians indulge in an arms race to get software engineering degrees, come up with outrageous stories for a management education/ grad school interviews and then proceed to get a high paying job, being a professional comes with its own occupational hazards. The world of sport, science and art need not snigger at the professional. That they are not required today is so far removed from the truth. In any field, there is a necessity of a critical mass of professionals to keep the timely churning of content and disseminate it to its audience in order to complete the circle. If a field is filled with only amateurs, the ones that are a slave to the prevailing economy are bound to be washed away without institutional support. A random lucky or endowed patron might survive the odds but far more is lost due to loss of a support structure. The word “professional” should not be treated like a profanity in today’s times. If the success story of Andre Agassi has taught us anything, it is that there is hope for someone to be world class even if you do not enjoy the sport during your upbringing. Let us not forget that the professional improves due to the continuous chafing and rigour of the system- wherein lies his /her biggest asset.

The World cup would never be complete if it does not have the World beyond a handcount participating in it. Image source: 5

The World cup would never be complete if it does not have the World beyond a hand count participating in it. Image source: 5

Today, the cricket establishment finds itself at odds with two opposing forces- one, expanding the game; two, keeping the game competitive. Establishment usually reacts swiftly when its own existence is in doubt- cue in Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket, the birth of T20 and BCCI banning the ICL. The rest of the time, machinations work in a way to maintain status quo. In these times when the future trajectory of cricket is under the microscope, there is no dearth of opinions. Different ways to improve test matches have been discussed, some which include some radical measures and the other by Ian Chappell to restrict the highest form of the game to a select few. Due to the inspiring and heartening performances of the “lesser” nations at the world cup, some voices in the game have had a change of heart. Tendulkar, Ed Smith and Martin Crowe have batted for a longer world cup with the associates. Whereas Aakash Chopra prefers a 10 team tournament with 5 spots open for qualifiers, something that Sambit Bal prefers in a slightly different flavor. Predictably, Dhoni wants the associates to get a chance but would not put his hand up to face them for a game outside the mandatory ICC schedules. Ian Chappell wants to discuss the “Quo Vadis?” question about the World cup in a summit. An academic exercise, one would say. With so many viewpoints, the only way to answer this question is to go back to an earlier part of this article where the initiation to a game was discussed. The quality of test cricket mandates that on an average, about half the side needs to have a good game in order to win a match (which is why the number of upsets are much lesser compared to the shorter forms of the game). For the smaller formats, a smaller number such as 4 or even 2 are good enough to win the game. It must be noted that these numbers are only a thumb rule and should not be taken at face value. But the point remains that in terms of difficulty for a newcomer, T20 is the easiest for initiation into the game. It does not help its cause that most T20 games are pooh poohed, rather snobbishly, as games involving poor technique (I would be hard pressed to find anyone who disagrees with Yuvraj Singh’s knock in the 2007 WT20 semis not being a classic). It is essential due to its shorter timeframe and a greater propensity of an upset that T20 be used to draw newer audiences into the game. What will help this push greatly and give it the audience it needs is its induction as an Olympic Sport as well as at the pan- continental games in both the men’s and women’s categories. We could use an U23 plus 3 over-23 roster like football at the Olympics. With the prospect of winning a set of medals, a whole set of nations would participate in the game like never before. Unfortunately, the powers at the helm seem to think otherwise due to financial implications with existing world events and this could make it an impediment to cricket being a truly global game in terms of pan-national representation. In order to truly make the cricket world cups a successful contemporary global event, it needs to be expanded to more nations with a target timeframe of a maximum of 5 weeks to retain freshness (for the ODI format, 3 for the T20). This would imply that more than one game be played on a daily basis and this would spell the end of mutually exclusive TV programming.

The ecosystem of European football leagues absorbes and assimmilates different players,  footballing cultures and is  primarily responsible for the continuous evolution of the game today. Image source: 5

The ecosystem of European football leagues absorbs and assimilates different players, footballing cultures and is primarily responsible for the continuous evolution of the game today. Image source: 6

How do we solve the quagmire that the game is in today? The only way to make the game more meritorious and non- traditional (I don’t use the word tradition lightly here since it is the famous facet of the old boys club, along with a sense of entitlement) is to professionalize the game and make it coexist with international cricket in all 3 formats. My terming of professionalism is a misnomer here considering that amateur sport has been buried since the 60s. It has to move the football way where the bread and butter form of the game is the club form of it (It does not help matters that the status of lowest common denominator is bestowed to the term “club” cricket. Perhaps the marketing gurus can reinvent the terminology). Earlier, the football World cup was the place to see where the game had progressed. But today, the evolution of the game can be observed in half a season in the UEFA Champions league, which some people consider it to be the best football played on the planet. Cricket should look to get to a point where commercially run enterprise, coexisting alongside international cricket, resembles the cauldron that is European football. It is due to a club based model that Belgian and African football teams have been able to emerge from the backwaters by a bunch of players (via transfer windows) getting educated at the finishing schools across European club leagues and in turn improving national teams in an iterative manner. This way, a player from the associate teams can showcase his/ her talent at the biggest stage and does not have to hope for a good set of teammates and the benevolence of the powers that be for participation in order to inspire his/ her countrymen. Just imagine the players showcasing their wares if the 7 Indian player rule did not exist in the IPL (and we could have forgotten about Piyush Chawla). It also does not bode well for the biggest trophy in the cricketing world to be decided on the basis of 3 good days- the knockout games. The league system is a more consistent churner of the cream to the top and this is something that the game of cricket should embrace and will go a long way in solving the international cricketing puzzle which should be built around the world cup cycle. A professional setup will have a lower entry barrier for newcomers (for a player to be competitive as compared to an entire team in a nation based setup), better financial incentive for someone to take the sport and pursue it to a high level irrespective of his/ her background. That, along with an article on the advantages of club- run sport, is a topic for discussion for another day.

Disclaimer: The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners.

Exclusive with the MCC Chairman: Fallout after the all out debacle against Bangladesh

Note: No questions were taken on the subject of he who shall not be named.

Kevin Pietersen

Image source: 1

The one who shall not be named could not hide his delight post England's elimination. Image source: 1

The one who shall not be named could not hide his delight post England’s elimination. Image source: 2

Ashutosh Gowariker was busy taking notes for a 7 hour sequel Kheley hum jee jaan sey-2 while the “What do you call an Englishman at the World cup? A tourist” joke was scheduled for the umpteenth rerun after Bangladesh defeated England earlier this week. This wasn’t the first time England were criticized before facing off against Afghanistan. Aspiring journalist @paajivspunter interviewed the MCC chairman Sir Jerry Attrick after the latest English debacle.

England's expression on looking at the wrong math question paper. Image source: 1

England’s expression on looking at the complex mathematics needed to win the match. Image source: 3

PVP: Hello sir Jerry Attrick (looks unperturbed with his stiff upper lip) do you want to comment on the latest set of events?

SJA: Mr. Punter, back at Blightly we have a saying “Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat” (I google the posh phrase to find the meaning- Always in sh%t but the level varies). Life goes on, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, from series to subcontinental series. Remember, “Quid quid latinae dictum set, altrum sonar” (I later find the meaning to be “Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound”).

PVP: Some people say that people of other nationalities are bringing down the quality of the English team. Do you think this is true?

SJA: No other team has our diversity. Why, we can have a Barbadian, an Englishman and an Irishman getting drunk together in a bar after the Bangladesh match and this matter is far bigger than a joke due to our holistic inclusive policy. We welcome people from all walks of life like Butcher, Cook & Butler and also other species like Sidebottom. We wanted a person by the name Mr. Cricket, but our old enemies Australia beat us to him. Other teams are jealous of our culture of the best work-life balance. The minnow teams would not get invited to all events; the bigger teams have too much work. We are also very proud of our WAG tradition and they would be chuffed at the prospect of spending quality time with their loved ones. In today’s world, time off from the game is of utmost importance to us and a tradition that the IPL ignores.

PVP: How come England reached the final at the Champions trophy 2013? Is it a failure of your strategy?

SJA: (Visibly agitated) How did Agarkar score a century at Lord’s….

PVP: (Hastily changing the subject) Any positives from the World cup? Is Peter Moores still the coach?

SJA: I think we’ve made it pretty clear that we don’t need that uncredited extra from Braveheart, Matt Prior. That is a big plus. Our hotel rooms and airline tickets were refundable bookings. Also, I was speaking to Gary Linekar the other day and he was delighted that we did not go out on penalties. Lastly, we’re working on a book deal about the England world cup story authored by Salman Rushdie to offset the financial costs. It is titled Moores’ last sigh (winks).

PVP: What about the sponsors?

SJA: We have 3 waiting in the wings to put their tag line on our shirt right now. The Marylebone Clown Company put their hand up as they too call their employees a laughing stock. The Mattel dolls division with “Nothing present down under” was under careful consideration yesterday. The favourite right now has to be our previous sponsor, Brit Insurance, who have extensive experience in covering disasters.

PVP: What will be the team’s legacy?

SJA: We are the generation that exited before the climax of a shorter format tournament. The Sun has given us a team motto “Coitus Interruptus” which is an apt legacy. Good night!

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt.

Exclusive with Virate Kohli, the angry young man of the Indian cricket team

After social media bottom dweller @paajivspunter and aspiring journalist failed to get his trend #AngryVirat off the ground, he took matters into his own hands by getting a microphone and interviewing the Virat roop of the star India batsman, the Incredible Hulk, @viratekohli about his recent outburst against a journalist. Unfazed about being labelled the angry young man of the Indian team, Virate Kohli took on the questions like a ball on his pads. Here are the excerpts of the interview:

Image source: 1

Image source: 1

Image source: 2

Image source: 2

PVP: Hello Virate, great to speak to you. First of all, congratulations on the victory against the West Indies. You have spoken of your admiration of MS recently and that you admire his calm. How will you make sure that you are your own man?

Virate: Hello PVP MC and thanks for the question. This is something that both Ravi Shastri and Anushka have told me- be your own man and not like your predecessors and that I could learn some stuff from them. Since the media complains that MS does not speak his mind in interviews and often keeps silent on many matters, I set the record straight. I invited the press to the swearing in ceremony, that is all.

PVP: How did you pick up such a colourful vocabulary? Were you talented from the start itself?

Virate: I would say I was talented right from the start and I picked up from a very young age, MC. You could say my first public performance was when I won the U 19 World cup and showed my full range of vocabulary. When I was a kid, I loved Asterix as a comic character. Later on, when teachers would ask history date questions to the entire class like when did India get independence, we would all say 1947. I would not know the answers for ancient history dates but I would join in the chorus only for the BC part (smiles mischievously). I enjoyed doing that, right from a young age and that is why my teachers called me a special character. I used to always snigger when people when people celebrated Raksha Bandhan. In my head, it was always Behen ke love day (guffaws). I remember when I got an email id, the site would always the same characters for both my user id and password. Even when I would had to use a filler word, I was my own man and used these. I will always have those childhood memories with me (smiles nostalgically).

PVP: People know you as a person who likes a challenge on the field. Were you ever invited to a trash talk face off when you were playing gully cricket?

Virate: I won every time, on an off the street. In fact, that is where I picked my game and became better with vocabulary. I owe my game and words to gully cricket. You learn so much on the street every day- new strokes, new words. The matter was only tense when I faced a challenging situation like when I had to scold my brother. I never knew what to call him.

PVP: Are you not worried that with you becoming the test captain, your image will take a beating with your Indian and IPL fans?

Virate: Not at all BC. On the contrary, reporters will have a field day with incidents like these. Yes, including aspiring ones like you. Imagine I abuse my closest competitor for my slot in the team and makes sure stays on the bench, I’m sure a whole bunch of you journos will say it is an abuse of power (chuckles after reading out the line from a sheet given to him by his PR team). My dear friend, there is nothing called as bad publicity. I have hired a PR team well versed with disaster management to manage my image. They are the ones responsible for my Miss World answer after winning the 2011 WC and they are the once who told me to jump on the Gangnam Style bandwagon and act cool in 2013 even after half the world had watched the video. You should take this down as tips-  it is cool to be cool with stuff now. Just ask my predecessors Ranvir Singh and MS. Swearing is cool too. AIB and Raghu became famous due to their swearing and so will I. In fact, my PR team has a joke to AIB, something that they missed out on. I plan to use it on a rainy day sometime-  I am the only guy who got lucky on the basis of having dandruff (chuckles after reading out the line from a sheet given to him by his PR team). Yes, you can @#$^&* print that. Makes me cool, right? (I nod, taking down notes). My IPL team? Well… I’m waiting for the day some Srilankan or a Telugu person with the initials MCBC plays under me at RCB. That will be fun!

PVP: What do you do in your spare time Virat?

Virate: Anuskha. Sorry, that was a I’m cool with you teasing me joke for the next AIB roast (chuckles after reading out the line from a sheet of paper given to him by his PR team). I like following Rage comics now. I feel the last slide speaks my mind, every time. I’m also finding new ways to be cool and check for more sponsorship opportunities. I also like watching football- Me and MS are good footballers.

PVP: Football! I never figured you were a football fan.

Virate: BC, I started following EPL teams from 2004 and became a Chelsea fan when they had Malouda and Makelele in their team. It was great fun to play football in school when I would call my football team mates as Malouda, Terry Makelele! I got to meet Drogba and Torres for an ad shoot. That was a memorable time and they too enjoyed the joke with me and shared some John Terry jokes with me as well. We had a great laugh and now I use the same on Murali Vijay and claim that they are my jokes.

PVP: Thank you very much for your words Virate. Any words for your fans? Any words for BCCI following the gag order

Virate: Guys, support the team with #WontGiveItBack. Support me with #WillGiveItBack. Please don’t worry BCCI. From now on, I’m on Maun Wrath. Thank you (bites his tongue after he almost adds a filler word).

Disclaimer: Almost all punchlines were taken from @paajivspunter and @viratekohli. The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners. All lines written are fictional with the intention of humour only and should be taken with a large dose of salt. All the best Virat Kohli!

The sun never sets on the cricket empire

First up, I have a confession to make. I was never the serious cricket playing kind. I never quite understood the dynamics of the fast appeal and six plus out of gully cricket[1] with a tennis ball. Do I bat with my wrong hand to make use of favourable field restrictions as only one side is available for run scoring? Do I run the small kid out by calling him for a non- existent single since he’s making a mess of the target? These subtleties were lost on me. I have played two games of leather ball cricket. Two. That too without protection. Most of my cricket playing knowledge is limited to a highly recreational level, that too bound within the small confines of empty sites around Bangalore and later, to a larger area, at the playgrounds of KREC Suratkal where I played some atrocious cricket, much to my teammates’ chagrin. If at all there was an award for maximum effort and minimal end result, I would have been the preeminent winner of them all. On the best of days, I was a useful lower order bat, a guy who could land 6 balls and not give too many runs, with the return of an odd wicket (that too caught at deep midwicket, mind you). On the bad days, the cries of exasperation from my teammates would be louder than my own actions on the field. This probably explains why my sobriquet slipped from the local Wasim Akram to Irfan Pathan as days passed by (my friends were nice to me at the start), hinting at early course correction. It would have changed to Heath Davis (no left handed version came to mind, thank God) and Chris Martin (like all great artists, I was ahead of time for this one) but for the trivial reasons stated. I was the rabbit out of the hat. If you thought I couldn’t sink lower, I managed to find oil. Once, I managed to finish a 28 runs to get in 2 overs target in an unfinished penultimate over which yielded 29 runs to the opposition with two balls to spare. Enough said about my pedigree.

Chris Martin: My batting talent counterpart, scaled to the international cricket arena. Image source-1

Chris Martin: My batting talent counterpart, scaled to the international cricket arena. Image source-1

What I lack on the field, I make up for it by my insane love for watching Indian cricket. Hrishikesh Kanitkar’s wild swipe off Saqlain in Dhaka? I was relaying the scores to my relatives who were victims of a power cut. When Sachin rattled McGrath in Nairobi with his sledging? I could scarcely believe my eyes. When Venkatesh “shudder” Prasad was sent as a nightwatchman only to be bowled shouldering arms to a Paul Adams delivery on middle stump? Yup. I knew his capabilities. In his (non- existent) defence, he watched the ball all the way through, as Gavaskar always suggested.  I knew most of Ravi Shastri’s clichés and his chapathi shot prowess much before it was cool to make fun of over social media. Since supporting India in the 90s was mostly heart wrenching, over time, I learnt to hedge my morale by supporting many other teams from different sports. I would be happy at the end of the year, no matter what. In spite of proliferation of other sport into my schedule, televised Indian cricket since the 1992 World cup has always been my first love and favourite leisurely pastime. This blog, with a lot of help from my friends (who are my friends in spite of my cricketing prowess), is our contribution to how the sport can be made better for all of us fans.

The 1928 Brisbane Timeless test: A no time limit format was toyed around with for a while until the commercial aspects of the game proved to be untenable. Image source- 3

The 1928 Brisbane Timeless Test: A no time limit format was toyed around with for a while until the commercial aspects of the game proved to be untenable. Image source- 2

Cricket always appeared to me as an anachronism. It is probably the only team sport where the most popular form has changed with time. If we compare it to the more widely played football (the second most popular sport in the world, if contemporary advertisement campaigns are to be believed) – which I believe cricket should look to emulate- the 90 minutes are sacrosanct.  The gameplay of the classical form of the game of cricket looks like as if is from one of the Robert Zemeckis’ scripts paying homage to a bygone era. A game that lasts 5 inordinate days with few highlights and the real possibility of no winner sounds right out of a celebrated outcome of a successful diplomatic mission. If one were to stretch the comparision further, the game’s pace could be compared to many a lachrymose soap opera which depend on the plot devices such as an extra marital affair, amnesia and a lobotomy (both by the cast and the audience, not necessarily in the same order) for furthering the status quo. Heck, even chess games have smaller timeframes nowadays! It leaves me with no doubt that this game found its early patronage on the countryside, during long summer days, with accompanying breaks for refreshments. The early development of the game must have surely correlated with the time of newly found wealth for its home country, with leisurely time to boot as an aftermath of the first industrial revolution.

W. G. Grace: The poster boy of the Amateur cricketing times in the Victorian era. Image source- 2

W. G. Grace: The poster boy of the Amateur cricketing times in the Victorian era. Image source- 3

Compared to football, cricket seems much less proletarian/ egalitarian. Peel off each accompanying layer of cricket gameplay, the subtext could not be more evident. It embodies the class structure and imperial notions of Britain during the days of the Raj. The captain of the game is usually a batsman, who issues his orders to the entire team. At each delivery, the bowler usually looks to have more physical exercise as compared to the batsman who is usually sitting pretty – even the slightest perturbation in the path of the ball will have people from the opposition team converging towards the ball. It is no surprise that fast bowling in England was seen as a working class profession and this manifested in the adage of looking down into a coal mine. Whereas, most of the royals and the gentry usually were batsmen. During the heyday of Grace et. al (old habits die hard!), the fielding standards were quite lax- a gentle trot to chase the ball, no sliding and bending over and a small throw, presumably not to tax the gentleman into making a harried run.   Only batsmen are afforded runners – who can proceed to become even more immobile and yet contribute to the game- adding further insult to injury. Clearly, bowlers and fielders are viewed as expendable.

Arthur_Wellesley,_1st_Duke_of_Wellington_by_Robert_Home_cropped

The first Duke of Wellington: One of the celebrated war heroes of the English empire to whom the quote of playing fields of Eton was misattributed to. Image source- 4

Is it any surprise that the Anglocentric and glory days of the British Empire lent to cricket being the de facto national sport of England? Class structure, the civil service, the bravado of the public school system all have deep rooted influences in the way cricket is conducted in the world today. Looking at the resplendent literature which celebrates cricket from the days of yore, the much cherished pieces point to an evocative style, associated with the ways of a gentleman. Phrases like sinewy wrists, languid drives, haring down the wicket are commonplace and most of today’s descriptive writing draws on these aristocratic vocabulary and influences. In short, cricket was seen as a metaphor for life itself. A look at the metaphors of cricket will showcase the full spectrum of situations that a gentleman could face in his life. Playing fair, like a gentleman while invoking a nebulous “spirit of cricket” was the only way of playing the game. It isn’t cricket, they said for Mankading, while looking the other way during Bodyline.  It is not whether you win or lose, it is how you play the game was an oft repeated quote. The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton (where games like cricket instilled the necessary values to the officers in the British army) was a prevailing sentiment in the 19th century.  Eton vs Harrow was a prestige fixture at school level (the fixture is still played annually at Lord’s). Gentlemen vs players was the marquee fixture at the time with WG Grace turning the result in the former’s favour which used to be a facile win for the players until then. Wikipedia notes that the influence of the match waned after the professionalism of the game took over.  Until the sixties, Gentlemen had the exclusive privilege of captaining England. This was the delicious irony of being part of the bourgeois, being able to captain the team while not necessarily being one of the better players. An illustration of the degree of entitlement was that one could claim dubious expenditure, have the odds in your favour and still end up looking down upon the professionals while claiming to play the game in a fair manner. These are obviously romantic notions of constitutional monarchy and imperialism.  When was the last time we ever heard the word classy attributed to the pull, cut or a hook (the last one could have been a part of a Victorian secret) shot consummate with timing? It most certainly is used in conjunction with a well-timed drive which earns the oohs and aahs from the crowd. Some commentary on cricket and other sports can be found here.

The inward- looking, holier-than- thou, sanctimonious nature is quite prevalent in the major powers of the world today with a world view limited to their comfortable environs.  The British used the term splendid isolation to maintain their hegemony, no doubt practiced on the cricket field while the natives were excluded from participation. The spread of cricket is in no uncertain terms due to the love of the game by the Englishmen who took it to lands they colonized and played the game. At the zenith of the British Empire, it was said that the sun never set on it. I have no doubt that the Englishman enjoyed his day in the sun with a game of cricket. Perhaps England pursued colonization since cricket could be played all round the year as opposed to the time of the sun in the Northern hemisphere!

C K Nayudu: The much loved Indian cricketer who shepherded India's entry into test cricket. Image source- 5

C K Nayudu: The much loved Indian cricketer who shepherded India’s entry into test cricket. Image source- 5

On the other hand, the assimilation of the game in India followed a different script. Cricket primarily travelled as the game that the colonial masters played across the British Empire and was largely aspirational in nature in its infancy in the Indian subcontinent. The sport still represents a colonial hangover. For a country that wears black robes in harsh summer to the courts, and presented the budget to suit the GMT until recently, following untimely breaks for lunch at 1100 and tea at 1340 during the winter time (In England, the start time is usually 1100 local time as opposed to 0900 in India and hence the session times are apt) became the norm. It is another matter that the above meal times are still (religiously) followed in Tamilian weddings, hinting at influence of cricket in erstwhile Madras. I digress. The Empire, built on the foundation of trade, first attracted the attention of the locals in cities as opposed to mofussil regions. Indian cities, Bombay in particular, were the places where the locals wanted to emulate their imperial masters and play their game.  Given the proximity of Gujarat with Bombay, it is the other state (along with Maharashtra) which got 3 spots in the Ranji trophy. Many of the earlier teams (look at the number of princely states in the current and defunct teams) were patronized by Indian royalty (not surprisingly) and some of the royals indeed played the game with certain distinction (Ranji, Duleep, Pataudi) and some, not so much (Maharaja of Vizianagram). Why, even today, the long shadow of monarchy is still present in the names of several IPL franchises! India too has a batsman bias for captaincy. Indian batting, from the days of Ranji, has been well served (with at least one high calibre batsman per era) which explains why batting is aspirational in the country. Absence of role models, bad pitches are usually reasons attributed to lack of quality bowlers in India. One glance across the border would lead to the inference that it is nothing endemic. It is more to do with the culture of bowling and fielding being viewed as a menial task. If I could go back to the allusion to street cricket dynamics at the start of the article, one always batted first in a gully cricket match and would do anything to hang on to it. I’ve known people who have conceded follow-on for the sake of batting. Kapil Dev puts a better spin on this culture, calling it the officer- worker divide, no doubt winking & nudging in the direction of the civil services and class structure.

That evening at Lord's: The fanatical following for cricket in India can be traced to this very moment. Image source- 6

That evening at Lord’s: The fanatical following for cricket in India can be traced to this very moment. Image source- 6

Cricket, in spite of it being seen as a rich sport (need for extensive & expensive equipment and a larger playing area) enjoyed a following as opposed to football and field hockey. It was indeed tainted as a remnant of the colonial empire (more to do with the Bombay pentangular being conducted on religious lines which reeked of the divide and rule). However, this did not stop Indians in cities from playing the game. From an anglo-centric prism, just like the way we Indians modified English and adopted it, the street level of cricket would employ the tennis ball with boundaries only straight down the wicket (thus arming an inward looking Mumbaikar with his own explanations of why the straight drive is Indian fast food & attributing it to Bombay’s lack of space). Especially after the 1983 world cup victory, cricket has been the sport of first choice across the social strata. This, combined with Tendulkar’s uniting, self-esteem inducing batsmanship, led to the game in India became the giant oak which would not allow other sports to grow in its shadow (few games like Kabaddi, Badminton, Hockey, Badminton have emerged from the shadows recently) .

The conception of the IPL: The big bang moment when an alternate cricketing universe was created out of thin air. Sreesanth had a hand in both its birth and one of its biggest controversies. Image source- 7

The conception of the IPL: The big bang moment when an alternate cricketing universe was created out of thin air. Sreesanth had a hand in both its birth and one of its biggest controversies. Image source- 7

India’s first brush with power was as the first world cup host outside England in 1987. For a nation whose administrators were denied complimentary passes for the previous edition’s final, it was quite a coup. The 1987 cup was patronized by several local sponsors (most notably by Reliance) and the fulcrum of the cricketing world had shifted to the east forever. This wasn’t much of a surprise given that the subcontinent was the world’s greatest market. With the benefit of hindsight, we can now say that we needed a few icons and some symbolic victories to embrace the game which had been weighed down with the imperial yoke for the previous generations. In fact, in 1982 itself, Scyld Berry had (later to be editor of Wisden) prophesized that the epicenter of the game was destined to shift to the east.  Over the years, India has only grown and behaved in a way any power with ambitions of global domination has; a show of strength in the Mike Denness incident, flexing its muscle in the ambush marketing issue in the ICC tournaments of the noughties, holding moral high ground through various methods in the Monkeygate episode and most recently tweaking the revenue distribution model at the ICC to its advantage. Threats of forming a new league, playing around with the cricket world cup format, being the game’s arbiter for issues such as tour pullout and the DRS are merely privileges of newly acquired power. The second shot to the self- esteem and confidence to the nation happened in 2007 when India won the World T20, rather unexpectedly. The overwhelming sentiment then was the wanting to be Australia. What seemed as a casual Sunday outing in the park till then was dealt with all seriousness in a turnaround of 6 months thanks to Lalit Modi harnessing the catharsis from the Indian victory. The theatre for sport and administration which was once Anglo- Australian has shifted for good. The IPL has become the biggest gig in town that everyone wants to be a part of, symbolically taking over from the status of county cricket of yore and Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket. Eoin Morgan would certainly attest to that sentiment. The sheer audacity of the IPL was such that the tournament was shifted overseas in 2009 to cement its place in the cricketing calendar. Never since Kerry Packer’s moment was something like this witnessed which led to a seismic shift in the way cricket is played today.

N Srinivasan: The personification of the power of the BCCI and the big, bad wolf of the game. Image source- 8

N Srinivasan: The personification of the power of the BCCI and the big, bad wolf of the game. Image source- 8

India is destined to hold on to this since it is a growing power with financial muscle and with a greater catchment area compared to US and Europe put together. Given the recent history of how India has behaved in the last decade, the rest of the cricketing world are right to feel aggrieved and threatened. India has been advised well to wear its power lightly. Due to the aforementioned reasons, India is best placed to set the agenda for world cricket which is likely to be not sustainable in its international avatar. India would do well to play the role of elder statesman (rather than big brother), putting a hand over the shoulder (metaphorically) of the rest of the world. India should not wait for the farcical Nobel peace prize nudge given to Obama as a cue to swing into action. A large number of innovations such as drop in pitches, hawk eye, hot spot, snickometer, speed guns, biomechanics, indoor stadium, day-night matches, super sopper, flashing bails have come from the Anglo-Australian bastion. Why, even a backwater like the Dubai has a high performance cricket academy. Funding for an innovation is definitely a necessary but not sufficient condition. What is more essential is to have a will and to develop an ecosystem for exploring ways to change the game for the better. Though India is well placed in the finance department, it is yet to be established that India/ BCCI is working for a betterment of the game on and off the field. It is rumoured that when the BCCI was asked for to come up with an innovation in Indian cricket, they responded with the strategic timeout.

The geographical extent of the British Empire: Cricket should look to emulate the reach of football in its quest for being labelled as a global game. Image source- 7

The geographical extent of the British Empire: Cricket should look to emulate the reach of football in its quest for being labelled as a global game. Image source- 9

A challenge for India would be to take the world along as it hunts for newer fanbase, conjuring a playing structure which ensures parity between playing nations/clubs – one which would promote newer people/ associations to embrace the game and take it beyond the traditional two hand count, on a trajectory to a self- sustaining professional level. For a day where a kid playing the game in a far-away continent is spotted by talent scouts and his/ her potential is realized at the highest level in front of a global audience, much needs to change in the game of cricket. It still has a long way to go looking at the melting pot that is European football. However, before considerable resources are to be utilized by the powers that be, a certain amount of ideas need to fall in place on an informal platform. Forming a critical mass by means of discussion, debate and thereafter creating awareness is only the first step. A range of articles can be expected on this platform- analysis, narrative, short quips and satire. The blog hopes to garner popular opinion on where the game could and should go in the future in realizing these objectives. For, the sun should never set on the cricket empire.

[1]  Since gully cricket was played on the roads, throw (below a certain appealable speed) was the choice on smaller pitch length playing arenas. In order to discourage six hitting (and it landing on a window pane), a deterrent where one had to lose his wicket for his/her misadventure was built into the gully game.

Disclaimer: The images used are not property of this blog. The copyright, if any, rests with the respective owners.